I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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