There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize