Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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