I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
