Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize