i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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