Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
