look no pants
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
