Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
