I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Randomize
