i already hear my dad disowning me
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Randomize
