I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
a search helicopter?!
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize