We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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