.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
