I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
