you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
