I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
