sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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