Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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