I accidentally had phone sex last night
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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