A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
