I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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