I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
