I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
