My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize