Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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