have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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