This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
