I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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