I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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