So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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