Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
