This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
