He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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