I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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