what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
