3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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