nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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