New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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