I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
