he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
