and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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