If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
