He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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