Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Randomize
