I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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