life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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