dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
