I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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