I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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