It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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