she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
