I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
