someone get that fucking seahorse.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
