I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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