3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize