i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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