dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
