Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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