i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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