Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize
