Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
