I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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