yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I can't put those talents on a resume
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
