when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
