mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
