Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
