I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
