I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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